Exposing Toxic Shame

Vulnerability is the Antidote

David Rich Sol

Oct 31, 2023

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Today, I am going to be vulnerable with you and discuss my experience with shame, especially as a neurodivergent person who’s experienced complex trauma. And, I’m doing this as a process of healing from the shame that has bound me for decades. Ultimately, this post isn't only about me, I believe we all have something to learn from it.

So, let’s do this together.

According to Dr. William Dodson, MD an ADHD specialist,

“For many people with ADHD, shame arises from the repeated failure to meet expectations from parents, teachers, friends, bosses, and the world.”¹

I can relate.

For years, even decades, I tried measuring up, but I failed more often than succeeded. I experienced challenge after challenge and misunderstanding upon misunderstanding in all my relations. From having difficulties in school to having challenges with social interaction to experiencing communication misunderstandings, growing up as an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer was complex and traumatic. With everything I did, I sought the approval of everyone around me so I could feel accepted, loved, and part of a community. Basically, to feel “normal” and not sub-human. Oh, yeah, I felt quite different from an early age and never seemed to fit in. Instead, I felt shame and “broken.”

Did you know that shame is different from guilt? Specifically, guilt has everything to do with our actions and behaviors and can help us make better future choices.

For example, when I was about five years old, my parents owned a small Eastern European butcher shop and we lived in the apartment above it on the second floor. The television was my babysitter and I loved watching “The Carol Burnett Show”² and wanted to do things just like they did on TV.

Because the characters on the show had a fake bomb explode on stage with lots of smoke and soot while nobody actually got hurt (instead they all got a big laugh), I thought I could do the same thing in our home. So, what did I do? I took lots of construction paper, made something that looked like a bomb, and attached a long string of yarn that I used for the fuse. I wanted real action; I was expecting to see a really awesome smoke cloud. I mean if they could do it on TV, why couldn’t I do it in my own home? So, while my parents were both downstairs in the store working, I actually lit the yarn fuse using the stove in the unit. This experiment didn’t proceed as expected. The flame quickly took over the entire paper ball and I dropped it onto my bedroom’s hardwood floor. This fake bomb inadvertently became kindling and started to catch the wooden floorboards on fire. Luckily, I ran to get my mother, the fire was put out, my room didn’t get engulfed in flames, and nobody got hurt. However, there was a large, dark chard circle on the floor where the floorboard caught on fire.

As a normal consequence of my actions, I felt guilty for causing the fire and the burn marks on the floorboards. Additionally, I felt afraid of the consequences I would face from my father. Every time I saw those burn marks for the next two years, I was reminded of the consequences of my actions. However, when this happened, I did not feel ashamed of what I did. I felt guilty, yes; ashamed, no. Let me explain.

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Guilt v. Shame: What’s the Difference?

Here’s the difference between shame and guilt. Where guilt has everything to do with our behavior and actions, shame is about who we are. So, here’s the thing. I felt guilty because I knew I shouldn’t have done what I did and I realized (after the fact) that I almost set the entire house on fire. Now, I didn’t mean to do that, of course. But, it didn’t matter. I recognized that it was my playing with fire that almost caused us to lose our home. And, that's the lesson my parents kept instilling in me as a result of my actions. Yet, I did not think there was something inherently wrong with me as a human being for doing what I did. No, I was just both curious and confused by how they were able to do it on TV and not get the same results that I did.

According to Dr. Brené Brown, a TedTalk speaker and research professor at the University of Houston who has spent over two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, she writes:

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”³

If you haven’t seen Brené’s Ted Talks entitled The Power of Vulnerability or Listening to Shame, you need to check them out. Oh, and if you’re like me, you’ll want to grab a box of tissues, her message hit home really deep and it was hard for me not to get emotional.

So, again, the difference between guilt and shame is that “...guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.”⁴ In other words, guilt can help us to change, to make better choices, and to be better people. I can tell you that I have never again in my life created a paper bomb, or started a fire in my home. I learned my lesson. In fact, I became much more careful with all open flames so as not to cause any more unintentional fires.

On the other hand, shame is unhelpful and focuses on our character, our personhood, on who we are. Shame is a deep feeling that something is wrong with us as an individual (i.e., that I am wrong). That I am flawed. In fact, I’m so flawed that I’m an unlovable outcast.

To this point, clinical psychologist, Dr. Dianne Grande, in the article “3 Dangers of Shaming: How shame leads to only bad consequences,” writes:

“...aggressive behavior in response to shame was studied by Donald Nathanson (2008) and labeled the ‘attack-other response.’ Feelings of shame, including low self-esteem and a self-perception of being defective, are so intense that the person feels themself to be in danger. In effect, anger is used as a weapon to hurt the person(s) who triggered the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.”⁵

In fact, in his 2015 book, “Beyond Bullying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Bullying, and Violence,”⁶ Dr. Jonathan Fast, MSW, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Social Work and an experienced clinical social worker says that “...the lion’s share of human misery is the result of shame that is misdirected, unidentified, or unacknowledged.”⁷ In his book, Fast explores the role of shame in bullying, homophobia, suicides, domestic violence, and racism. Furthermore, in a classic 2003 article entitled, “Shame, Guilt, and Violence,” psychologist James Gilligan writes in the introduction:

“During the past 35 years, I have used prisons and prison mental hospitals as ‘laboratories’ in which to investigate the causes and prevention of the various forms of violence and the relationships between these forms and to what I will call…‘the varieties of moral experience.’ In the course of that work, I have been struck by the frequency with which I received the same answer when I asked prisoners, or mental patients, why they assaulted or even killed someone. Time after time, they would reply ‘Because he disrespected me’ or ‘he disrespected my visitor [or wife, mother, sister, girlfriend, daughter, etc.].’ In fact, they used that phrase so often that they abbreviated it into the slang phrase, ‘He dissed me.’”⁸

Throughout the article, Gilligan points out, as have other researchers and authors on this topic, that throughout history the root of violence has been shame. As an example, he uses the first recorded murder in the Bible where Cain killed Abel. Gilligan writes,

“For the Bible makes it very clear why Cain killed Abel: ‘The Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain…he had not respect.’ In other words, God ‘dissed’ Cain! Or rather, Cain was ‘dissed’ because of Abel–and he acted out his anger over this insult in exactly the same way as the murderers I was working with.”⁹

As you can tell from how I’ve talked about shame so far, it’s definitely different from guilt. In fact, shame has been associated with low self-esteem and many self-destructive and unhealthy behaviors. Multiple research studies have also concluded that in most mass shootings that they studied, the “...perpetrators' biographies were associated with intense feelings of shame.”¹⁰ Feelings of shame can lead to violence including both self-harm and other-harm.¹¹ For example, it is widely known that shame has been linked to domestic violence,¹² addictive behaviors (using alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, shopping, etc.), rage issues,¹³ and feelings of isolation.¹⁴

Furthermore, shame can cause negative self-beliefs such as “I’m a failure,” “I’m unlovable,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,” “I’m a bad person,” or “I’m defective.”¹⁵ Shame has also been linked to social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Finally, in addition to low self-esteem other symptoms of shame can include perfectionism and people-pleasing.

Neurodiversity and Shame

Many neurodivergents, may develop a sense of shame about who they are from their environment and people around them. Having learning challenges, sensory processing differences, and experiencing the world differently from neurotypical people can lead a person to believe that they are “flawed” and “broken.” This can especially be true for those who are undiagnosed and can’t figure out the reason for their perceived and real differences.

In an article written by Dr. Tasha Oswald, a licensed psychologist, she writes:

“Everyone struggles with feelings of shame now and then. But, shame is especially prevalent in the lives of neurodiverse people…Shame can be triggered by other people, cultural expectations, and sometimes even our inner critic. It’s a powerful emotion that can have a negative impact on our lives in many ways…Shame starts as an external force. It originates from people or experiences that make us feel like we are not good enough or that we are ‘wrong.’ Shame can come in the form of hurtful comments from strangers or peers. Or, it can come from well-intended family members.”¹⁶

Complex Trauma ADHDer and Toxic Shame

Growing up, I had many opportunities to take on toxic shame. For starters, as I shared in a previous post entitled, “Which came first the chicken or the egg?” my family has experienced inter-generational trauma which has been passed down to my parents and then to me. In my family of origin, my father was a raging alcoholic whose personal shame triggered both emotional and physical abuse. As in many families with domestic violence, my mother became the enabler and scapegoat for my father’s rage. I tried staying out of my father’s way as much as I could and absorbed our family’s dynamics like a sponge.

“In the US, there are 11 million children under the age of 18 living with at least 1 alcoholic parent. When a parent is preoccupied with maintaining their dependency on alcohol [or any other addiction], they often do not meet their child’s basic needs…An unpredictable and unreliable environment can cause a child to feel unsafe in their own home. They may feel trapped and unable to escape the pain caused by their parent’s addiction to alcohol [or other substances]. Children may blame themselves for their needs not having been met, which can lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness.”¹⁷

As a young child and an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer, I grew up already feeling different and thought that something was “fundamentally wrong” with me. In fact, I recall telling my mother as a child that I wished I could switch my brain out with someone else who was “normal.” This was mainly because I experienced the world differently from my peers. Due to my executive function challenges and differences in my brain wiring, I was a very emotionally sensitive child. I cried a lot and felt emotions very deeply–even though I couldn’t name them well because of my alexithymia which I’ve also discussed in a separate post.¹⁸ In fact, any unkind word hurt me like a knife cutting very deep. Today, I recognize that I was experiencing what is commonly called rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

According to a 2020 article entitled, “How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria,” Dr. William Dodson writes:

“Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.”¹⁹

It is common for people who experience RSD to become people pleasers, find ways to overcompensate and overachieve, and eventually develop toxic shame. Certainly, this is exactly what I experienced. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t like me and why I felt so different from everyone else around me. I tried fitting in and couldn’t measure up. I felt deep shame for my “brokenness.”

At the age of eight, we moved and I went to a new school. When I started third grade, I was very angry and defiant in the classroom. Today, if I were a third grader, I may have been diagnosed with conduct disorder, a common and co-occurring disorder with ADHD characterized by severe and enduring antisocial and aggressive behavior.²⁰ However, in reality, I was having a difficult time processing all the changes in my life. We had just moved 600 miles to a new state and I was having difficulty with transitioning to my new reality. The school was different, the teachers didn’t know me and seemed to be rude and unkind, and the kids thought I was “weird.”

Not only did I not know how to make neurotypical friends (as I was an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer), but I also didn’t know how to handle my own emotions. Plus, I didn’t have any adults in my life who could help me navigate all the changes and complexities of what I was experiencing. Instead, my home life continued to be chaotic, unpredictable, and unstable. Because of my poor attitude and inability to fit in, I was bullied, beat up, and mocked on a daily basis. This contributed to my feelings of shame and loneliness.

Even though we were in this new place for only one year, my parents decided to move across the country a second time, from the Midwest back to the East Coast. This time, to a completely different state. Once again, I would need to start as a new kid in a new school. For the next three years, from fourth to sixth grade, I made a poor first impression and stood out as a “problem” child. Not only did the teachers tell me that I was “a problem”, but I once again was bullied, mocked, and verbally assaulted by my classmates on a daily basis. Starting in third grade, during those four years, I literally had no friends or trusting adults I could turn to. I was alone, isolated, and lonely.

Consequences of Toxic Shame

In the New York Times Bestselling book, “Healing the Shame That Binds You,”²¹ John Bradshaw writes:

“When shame is toxic, it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside. It divides us from ourselves and from others. When our feeling of shame becomes toxic shame, we disown ourselves. And this disowning demands a cover-up. Toxic shame parades in many garbs and get-ups. It loves darkness and secretiveness…Because toxic shame stays in hiding and covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many faces and its many distracting behavioral cover-ups.”²²

So, this statement from John Bradshaw shows how unacceptable the experience of shame, especially toxic shame, is to a person. This feeling of shame is so unacceptable to the point that we try to hide it, cover it up, and keep it a secret. And, Bradshaw says that we do all this through the many distracting behavioral cover-ups. In other words, addictions, compulsions, and other unhealthy behaviors.

This certainly hit home for me. Throughout my life, I avoided the feelings of toxic shame and tried to escape them in a multitude of ways. Some of them were clearly unhealthy, while others seemed well and good. For example, starting in seventh grade, something clicked and schoolwork began to make sense to me. I became very studious and hyperfocused on getting good grades, being a good student, earning academic awards, and looking like a model teen to the outside world. However, I put up many masks to look like I’m perfect to everyone around me. But, on the inside, I was miserable.

Now, you may ask, isn’t being a good student a positive thing? It can be. But, at what cost? What was my motivation to become a good student? In my case, I mainly worked hard to be a good student so I could escape feeling stupid, unloveable, unworthy, and miserable while also trying to prove to myself and others that I really was loveable and smart. In other words, I became a people-pleaser who tried to prove my human worth through being a good student.

In fact, I continued to hyperfocus on school throughout high school and college. Because of my excellent academic record and admissions application, I received a full-ride scholarship including living expenses for room and board to pursue a master’s degree. However, a year into the three-year master’s degree, I was also experiencing depression, and anxiety, and had become suicidal. It was during this time that I was in the grips of several unhealthy and addictive behaviors. Starting around the age of 11 years old, I began to use food and pornography to cope with my desperate situation. By the time I was in my twenties, these compulsions turned into an eating disorder and pornography addiction.

To the outside world, I looked like a model student. But, on the inside, I believed that God didn’t love me, I hated myself to the core of my being, and I wanted to destroy myself. I had closed down my heart and was approaching everyone and everything from my mind while disregarding my feelings and emotions. This only made matters worse as I held people at an arm’s length away from me and did everything possible to prevent myself from getting hurt again. Meanwhile, I was hurting myself and others around me with my unkind words and actions.

At the time, I was studying to be an ordained minister and I felt like a fake. Living that hypocritical life in my mid-twenties finally became too painful and unbearable for me. I ended up switching degrees and decided to no longer pursue my original degree or career objective. However, that change didn’t solve the real problem, I was still quite miserable.

Hope is Alive

This week, it’s been twenty-five years since I met my wife and, I believe, she saved me from my own self-destruction. When I met my wife, I felt a glimmer of hope and I thought I could turn things around with my destructive behaviors.

Three years into our relationship and, literally, a month before our wedding, I couldn’t live with myself anymore and the double life that I was leading. I needed to tell her the truth about my addiction. I haven’t been known to be good at choosing the right time for these types of things.

One morning, as she was about to rush out the door, I stopped her and told her I had something serious to tell her and I couldn’t wait. That’s when I laid everything out about my addiction to pornography and how I betrayed her. She was completely blindsided. With only a month away from our wedding date, she told me that she needed her space and time to process this new revelation. I was certain it would cause us to break up.

However, only by the sheer grace of God did we work through that betrayal in couples counseling and she eventually forgave me. She told me that in her heart she felt that it was important for us to be together. We ended up getting married and have celebrated 22 years of marriage this year.

I wish I could say that healing the addiction and the shame that was at the root of it all was simple; but, it wasn’t and it isn’t. The past twenty-two years have been one lesson and opportunity after another for personal and interpersonal growth in what, at times, feels like one step forward and two steps back in my healing from shame.

Yet, today, I no longer struggle with an addiction to pornography and am a more conscious eater. Even though the addiction is no longer an active part of my life, food is still an essential part. My relationship with food has improved, but when I feel stressed out, I do find myself running to the refrigerator or cupboard to soothe my discomfort. Like I said, one step forward, a couple steps back. Most recently, I have been working to find more positive outlets for my stress and tension that work for me such as yoga, music, and prayer.

Furthermore, today, I can genuinely say that I love and accept myself as I am. I have been rebuilding my relationships in my life and I am no longer angry at God nor do I believe that God hates me. On the contrary, I truly believe that I am loved. And, I am working to keep my heart open to love in return.

Even though I’m in a better place now than I was over twenty years ago, I still struggle at times with feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and self-doubt. I believe this is part of the human condition, especially for those of us who’ve gone through complex trauma and experience life differently as neurodivergents from most others who are neurotypical.

Thank you for engaging with me. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and for my courage to be vulnerable in sharing my story with you.

According to a counseling website,

“Vulnerability is an integral part of the healing process and an essential component in overcoming shame and seeking therapy. It allows individuals to be open, honest, and courageous about their struggles, which can lead to deeper understanding, compassion, and connection to self and others. Thus, promoting healing, resilience, and growth.”²³

If you’ve been struggling with your own feelings of shame and self-hatred, or if you are involved in any harmful or self-destructive behaviors, I hope my life story can help you find the courage to seek help, face your own shame, and heal your traumas.

I truly believe when more people find the courage to love themselves, deeply love and accept themselves, and heal their traumas, that we’ll all be living in a better world together.

Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself and others. Cheers!