The Hardest Job Around

Parenting as an AuDHD

Parenting is hands down the hardest job that I’ve had in this lifetime. If you had told me how challenging it would be for an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer to co-parent two high-spirited, undiagnosed neurodivergent kids, I would have thought twice before signing up for this role. 

Let’s get something straight before I continue. 

I love both of my children and am extremely grateful that they were born, that they still live at home with us, and that I am their father. Those are facts. And, at the same time, it doesn’t negate the other fact that raising any child is hard work.  I’m sure if I polled a group of parents, they would tell me the same. Additionally, raising neurodivergent children with special needs can add even more challenges to typical parenting and make the job even harder. 

The Back Story

My wife and I have two children. Today, one is an early-twenties adult and the other is a late adolescent teen. Both of my kids were diagnosed with sensory processing differences before the age of three and had other challenges when they were younger.  We were fortunate that my wife was able to be a stay-at-home mom for many years when the children were young.  We could not have done it any other way. Neither of us had family close by and even finding nannies or babysitters was extremely challenging. 

Daycare and preschool were not options for us. When my daughter was about 3 years old and we attempted preschool, after a couple of days, they called us in for a meeting. When we discussed some of her sensory needs and “issues” that the school presented to us, they proceeded to chastise us for being “bad parents.” It didn’t matter to them that our daughter had a formal sensory processing diagnosis, nor the fact that we had a whole daily routine of sensory diet exercises we needed to do at home so she could feel settled enough in her body.  And, they didn’t care that we also had weekly and sometimes biweekly occupational therapy sessions to work on different skills. Suffice it to say, our child couldn’t continue in that school environment.  Later, when our son was old enough for preschool, we didn’t even try.

Our high-spirited and very active children had so much energy to burn off each day that other people were not willing to spend extended time with them. They were also both sensory-seeking and very loud.  They sought out and needed constant attention and someone to settle them down and assist them to self-regulate. There were lots of meltdowns and emotions flying everywhere and at all times. Feelings were constantly hurt and needed to be soothed. Additionally, they both needed proprioceptive feedback and lots of physical activity. 

As a young child, my daughter loved to swing, especially going in circles on the tire swing at the park. Most other children would get off after a few minutes, but our daughter could stay on for what seemed an eternity without feeling motion sickness. 

My son was a daredevil and needed to be monitored constantly so he wouldn’t hurt himself with one of his “stunts.”  Unfortunately, around the age of seven, under my watch,  he decided to jump on a pogo stick down a flight of stairs in front of the house.  I turned my back for less than two minutes as I was doing yard work.  Suffice it to say, I never turned my back to him again.

And, neither of the children could sit long enough or had enough interest to eat or pay attention to any traditional types of school activities.  We usually had to engage them physically in movement activities or go to the park to get them to eat.

If this sounds exhausting and overwhelming, it was. And, this went on for years.

As a family, we decided that homeschooling would be the best option for our children.  Luckily, we found other homeschooling families, a Waldorf-inspired curriculum (which if you don’t know is very hands-on and movement-based in nature and intent), and my wife became their primary teacher. 

Our oldest was homeschooled throughout her entire primary and secondary education. She graduated a year early from high school and had earned at least a full semester’s worth of college credits while still in high school. Today, she is in her last year of a baccalaureate degree earning a double major and living at home to reduce her expenses.  

Our youngest was homeschooled until he graduated eighth grade or middle school. He and our entire family decided it would be best for him to go through traditional high school. Currently, he is in his third year at the local public school and has also taken a couple of dual college credit courses already.

The four of us are still living together and my role as a parent has shifted over time. I’m more aware, present, and mindful these days compared to when my kids were very young and I was an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer. 

Not Prepared  

The simple truth is, at the age of 30 when our oldest was born, I was ill-prepared to be a parent. Honestly, probably until my late-thirties or early forties, I had challenges parenting myself let alone thinking about and parenting children who needed lots of individualized focus and attention. Thank God for my wife.

And, until 2022, I was an undiagnosed AuDHD who had his own unmet sensory and communication challenges. I felt anxious and overwhelmed all the time. Additionally, as a complex trauma survivor, the kids’ constant noise, running around, and meltdowns were extremely triggering for me.  It also didn’t help that I had poor modeling from my parents growing up on how to handle stressful situations at home. They too were dealing with their traumas and undiagnosed neurodiversities. So, I never learned appropriate self-regulating and coping skills, or appropriate ways to communicate my needs.  As a result, when my children were young, I would have my emotional meltdowns and shouting matches which only created more hurt feelings, and emotional dysregulation, and perpetuated the trauma. 

Doing It Differently

Certainly, as far as I’m aware, nobody can go back and re-do their past. That is, how I was as a parent while my children were growing up is a fact that will not change. Yet, how I continue relating to my children (and others) from this day forward is all in my power regardless of the past.

Since my AuDHD diagnosis, I have been much kinder to myself and others. I have consciously provided my body and brain the simple, yet profound resources that I know I need to be a more present parent to my children. Whether it's physically working outdoors in the garden to get myself neurologically organized, practicing my daily yoga and pranayama to improve my interoception and emotional intelligence, taking morning walks with my wife and dogs, or enforcing clear boundaries and knowing when I need to have alone time, I have found that taking care of myself is one way that I can be a better father at this point in my life. 

In the past, I used to find ways to escape emotionally; today, I’m facing my unpleasant feelings and sensations (much more often) and either letting them dissipate on their own or working them through instead of avoiding them.  I’m still learning so this doesn’t happen all the time; yet, I’m making a greater effort than I have ever done before to be a more conscious parent who also takes care of himself.

I’ve also realized that my communication style needed to shift especially when I get stressed out. My wife has been a great resource to gently reflect on some of my previous poor communication with my family.  By mirroring my ways of communicating, my wife helped me to experience what she and the children had experienced from me. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pleasant. Witnessing my own words and ways of speech mirrored back at me, I found it extremely helpful.  

For example, one common technique I have learned is to count and breathe instead of reacting and blurting out the first thing that comes to mind in a heated situation. I used to get myself into lots of trouble with other people for either cussing them out or insulting them when I felt angry or overwhelmed. Instead, I now notice myself getting upset, counting, and focusing on my breathing. This allows me to begin settling my nervous system a bit and pausing before speaking. At this point, I’m usually better able to respond instead of reacting as I had habitually done for most of my life. And, at times when I still react (usually because my shame has been triggered), I am more willing and able to apologize and make amends. All of this has been helpful for me in learning to be a much better communicator.

I’m nowhere near perfect–nor do I think I ever will be. But, since my AuDHD diagnosis, I’ve made a better and more conscious effort to lead with my strengths and recognize my challenges. I admit to myself and others when I feel overwhelmed and when I need to take a break including while I'm in a disagreement with a family member.  Having two young adults living with me allows for plenty of practice.

Finally, I’ve also started to set clearer boundaries and expectations.  I no longer accept blame for something that wasn’t my responsibility and I also accept that I will make mistakes. For example, today, I request kindness from others who may themselves be angry, shouting and blaming me for oversleeping and running late for an appointment; yet, they never communicated and asked me to make sure they were up at a certain time. In the past, I would have engaged them more. Now, I’m better able to step out of the way and let them feel their feelings without me adding any hostility to it.

Takeaways

1. Parenting is extremely hard, especially for an undiagnosed neurodivergent who hasn’t learned to take care of himself, and who tends to take on other people’s emotions. 

2. One can’t go back and change the facts of the past. Yet, a person can make appropriate changes to create a more conscious present and better future.

3. Even those with communication differences and challenges can learn new skills to improve we express ourselves to be more clear and kind.

Please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you and build this community. How about you? If you’re a parent, what’s been the most challenging aspect for you? If you aren’t a parent, what do you wish your parents knew about raising a neurodivergent kid that would have helped you?