"I Hate Small Talk"

Communication Differences Part 1

Today’s post is the first in a series in which I will explore how many neurodivergent people experience, perceive, and interact with the world around them. Specifically, I will examine communication and socializing differences among the AuDHD community. 

According to Reframing Autism¹, an Australian nonprofit charity, they state that:

“Autistic adults are likely to be non-traditional communicators, both in expressing themselves and in receiving and interpreting communication…These differences in the way Autistic adults socialise and communicate are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – they are just Autistic ways of being in the world and interacting with it and other people.”² 

The organization highlights differences that I will explore in this series, one by one, based on my experience.

Difference #1:

“Prefer honest, literal, and straightforward language and messages, and to focus on deep subjects rather than superficial ‘small talk’” ³

Prefer Honest, Literal, and Straightforward Communication

While growing up as an undiscovered or undiagnosed autistic ADHDer, I couldn’t understand why I hated small talk, and I also couldn’t understand why most other people, as I believed, never said what they honestly thought and seemed to focus on superficial topics in their regular conversations.

When I was a small child, it seemed that most people liked to talk about nothing particularly significant. They would discuss the latest celebrity gossip, the athletic team’s recent win or loss, or anything else that didn’t directly relate to them and their lives.  

At the same time, I would always hear from my elders: “Never discuss politics or religion in polite company.” ⁴ Yet, I couldn’t understand why. Talking about the weather or coming up with other niceties to chat about in so-called “small talk” seemed tedious and difficult. My mind would always go blank, and I would feel extremely self-conscious. It felt similar to what others describe as fingernails running down a chalkboard. So, I avoided it like the plague.

Instead, I relished deep conversations on topics I often thought about. I have always profoundly observed my environment, noticed many patterns, and had many questions. This is one reason I love science and running different experiments, including data analytics.

Yet, at times, my curiosity got the best of me. For example, when I was about seven years old, I was told that cats don’t like water. I asked, “Why?” But nobody gave me a good enough reason. So, I tried running an experiment on my own. Luckily, the neighborhood cat who came around our house one morning was too bright for a young, curious boy like me. Before I could find out what happens when a cat is introduced to a barrel of water, I learned that cats prefer to hiss and scratch rather than swim.

Suffice it to say that even though my experiment didn’t turn out, I wouldn’t call it a failure. I learned a lot that morning. I had these types of curiosities about all sorts of things in life. In most cases, I conducted these experiments or observations independently–the way I preferred it.

Unfortunately, at times, when I did have “real” conversations with people, they usually got me into trouble.

When I was 11, I attended a parochial school where the nuns taught daily Catholic religion classes. I had just moved into a new housing complex and met a neighboring boy around my age with interests similar to mine, so we seemed to hit it off immediately. If I remember correctly, he introduced me to firecrackers or bangers. Again, I was inquisitive and loved to experiment. At one point, my curiosity about the bangers got too close for comfort, and I’m glad I still have all 10 of my fingers and hearing in both ears. But that’s another story for another time. 

After we got to know each other for a few weeks, this neighboring boy invited me into his home, where we watched TV, played games, and enjoyed a snack his mom prepared for us. Everything seemed to be going well, and we had a good time. Or, so I thought.

Like most parents who like to check out their children’s new friends, this mom was no different. While we were all sitting around, she asked me, “Where do you go to school?” When I told her the name and that it’s a Catholic school, she immediately asked, “Oh, so you’re Catholic?” 

If I had been neurotypical, I may have realized I should avoid all conflict, smile, and keep my mouth shut. But I’m not neurotypical; unfortunately, I didn’t stay quiet. At the time, I had a firm opinion shaped by my schooling, parents, and teachers. 

This mom was a very devout Jehovah’s Witness who proceeded to take out her children’s picture bible and began having an earnest theological conversation with me. Mind you, I was an 11-year-old boy who just wanted to play with her son, and she was an approximately 35-year-old woman who now seemed to have an agenda of proselytizing and teaching me about her faith. 

Don’t get me wrong, from a very young age, I enjoyed deep, reflective conversations and debating topics as much as I liked to experiment. I was curious about everything, including life’s big questions, such as God, religion, and spirituality. This is one reason my first master’s degree was in theological studies. At the same time, I probably should have become a lawyer because that’s how much I loved to argue my point. So, in the end, this adult woman and I ended up having a long and heated conversation. 

After that exchange, I was never invited to play with her son again. Sometime later, when this boy once saw me in the hallway, he said that I was “a bad influence.” As for me, I was confused. I had felt that his mom was to blame for bringing up religion in the first place. Even though I enjoyed the dialogue, I just wanted to play with her son. So, I guess my elders were right: avoid talking about politics and religion in polite company. Like many other things, I had to learn this lesson through trial and error.

As I grew older, I found myself drawn to people who were more reserved and thoughtful. I enjoyed having meaningful conversations about life’s deeper issues and made friends with others who felt the same. One of my closest friends in high school was Bryan, and we had many insightful discussions about personal and philosophical topics. I never felt interested in spending time with people who only wanted to discuss superficial things like sports, TV shows, or celebrities.  

Now, don’t get me wrong. If one of these topics is of particular interest to you, I get it! You want to talk about it, and it’s really important to you. However, none of these are my particular interests, and the conversations I have mainly heard about these topics have generally been very surface-level and personally uneventful. 

Well, come to think of it, I did take a graduate-level course in one of my master’s degrees⁵ on the topic of media and social justice. For this course, our homework was to watch daily TV shows for a month and critique them from a social justice perspective, taking gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and disability into consideration. We had to document each episode we watched and write a reflective critique. 

If you ever want to stop watching TV, take a course like mine. Before the class, I used to enjoy watching some shows; however, afterward, I couldn’t watch any program without seeing how the scripting and portrayal of characters and storyline, editing, camera angles, lighting, pacing, etc., influenced me as the viewer to have a specific impression and perspective on social justice topics and issues without me even knowing it. This includes news stories as well as fictional programs. So, I began to feel that the media were manipulating me. This is one reason our family didn’t own or watch TV for over 20 years until about two years ago. Even though we have access today, we still don’t watch it much other than occasional movies and YouTube videos, which these days we can also watch on any other device.

Some Other Considerations

I recently discovered the TED Talk, “What autistic people can teach you about communication,” given by Kalen Sieja, an autistic advocate, speaker, and evolutionary biology student at the University of Colorado Boulder. Kalen provides insights on communication similar to mine with a twist of autistic humor.

Takeaways

Over the years, I’ve learned to mask and have “small talk,” but I hate it. I enjoy more stimulating conversations about topics that seem more relevant to my life—even if I have many insights but don’t have a solution, such as the US healthcare system crisis. Perhaps this is due to the way my brain works, or it’s because I’ve always been profoundly introspective and was able to observe patterns and associations between things. This is one reason I’ve been called “serious” most of my life.

Growing up was difficult for me because my peers never understood why I was more interested in discussing specific topics that they found “boring,” “unenjoyable,” and “not fun.” As a result, I found myself drawn towards conversing with adults as a child and with people who shared my interests as I got older.

This trend has continued throughout my adulthood. I enjoy spending time with profound thinkers and those who can have honest conversations beyond the surface-level niceties of small talk—even if we’re talking about non-serious topics.

What about you? What’s your experience with small talk? Do you enjoy it or despise it? What topics do you prefer to talk about? Let me know. Leave a comment or private message me. Like, share, and subscribe to support my writing and to help promote neurodivergence.

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Endnotes

1. Reframing Autism aims to create a world in which families and allies support the Autistic community to achieve genuine acceptance, inclusion, and active citizenship and in which Autistic culture and identity are celebrated and nurtured. To learn more about this charity, please go here: https://reframingautism.org.au/

2. https://reframingautism.org.au/about-autism/ 

3. https://reframingautism.org.au/about-autism/  

4. By the way, that saying is attributed to Mark Twain, who wrote, “I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics, a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.” https://libquotes.com/mark-twain/quote/lbv0f7r 

5. I’ve been curious my entire life and have been a lifelong learner. I’ve completed several university degrees: a bachelor’s in psychology, a master’s in theological studies, a master’s in acupuncture, a master’s in business administration and organizational leadership, and a doctorate in acupuncture. Additionally, I have many other diplomas and advanced certifications, including massage therapy, herbal medicine, functional medicine, data analytics, and others. As I said, I am curious and love learning.