Inner Conflict
Working with My Polarized Parts
Reflecting on my journey of self-discovery, I realize how different aspects of myself interact in interesting ways. Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I’ve noticed three unique voices that often guide my choices and actions: the part of me that craves stability, the part that seeks out new experiences, and the part that feels hesitant about commitment. It’s a fascinating process to understand these different influences!
I’ve been thinking a lot about and spending some time with the different parts of myself that come into play during my creative projects and personal goals. Each has fears and desires. It’s like juggling several friends who each have different needs! What a (Boston) tea party?! (aka, sh*t show).
There’s the stability-seeker who loves certainty and worries about the impact of starting new projects or having unfinished projects on my relationships and current commitments.
Then there’s the novelty-seeker, who always craves excitement and dreads boredom. This part is close friends with my adrenaline junkie part.
And let’s not forget the commitment-phobe, who hesitates to invest time and energy without knowing it will pay off or worries about making the wrong decision or choice. So, as it usually turns out, in the end, this part doesn’t allow me to make any choice.
Navigating these parts can sometimes be a dance. These different aspects of myself often create a cycle in which I start full of enthusiasm, hesitate, and take no action. I’ve seen this pattern many times, from my early online business ventures to my recent writing projects.
In 2009, I created an instructional DVD that I was very excited about. I sold about a hundred copies, but without a solid marketing plan, it didn’t entirely take off. By the time streaming became popular, my interest had faded, and the digital master vanished. This is a familiar story—like those coloring books I published in 2018 for adults. After someone hacked into my website and I had to take it down, I lost interest in the project and gave up. Or, what about my sixteen-month journey of writing Substack articles? I’m still trying to figure this out.
Every project I start begins with a spark of inspiration, a moment when I think, “This is it!” Yet, my enthusiasm tends to fade as I face challenges or feel disappointed with the results. It’s a typical cycle, leaving me with unfinished projects and dreams that feel out of reach.
Yet, I haven’t lost all hope. Through journaling and reflection, I’ve come to see that these different parts of me aren’t enemies to fight against—they’re just aspects that need to be acknowledged and brought together.
I had great insight during a recent journaling session.
Takeaways from My IFS Journaling Session
Here are some takeaways I’d like to share with you:
Start with small, manageable commitments to build trust with these parts of myself. It’s all about showing them, step by step, that I can follow through without feeling overwhelmed. This way, I can build a solid foundation everyone can rely on.
Having a coach or mentor for accountability could be beneficial. Getting an outside perspective can help me keep moving forward and tackle challenges. It’s helpful to set up regular check-ins so I can stay on track and address any worries.
As I embark on this path of self-integration, I remind myself that change takes time. It’s about building trust, not just with others but also with myself. Acknowledging the fears and desires of each part of me is key, and finding constructive ways to address them is a big part of the journey.
The secret is to rethink how I approach my projects and goals. Instead of viewing each as a make-or-break situation, I could treat them like fun experiments in consistency and follow-through. Each small success would help me build trust with my more cautious side.
For example, when it comes to my Substack writing, rather than stressing over growing my audience (which I stopped doing over six months ago), I can focus on sticking to a regular writing schedule. I’ll continue to celebrate the act of creating itself instead of tying my happiness to outside metrics.
This new mindset helps my stability-seeking part feel secure, allows my novelty-seeking part to enjoy the creative process, and lets my commitment-fearing part engage without intense pressure.
As I continue my IFS journey, I am hopeful and curious. What amazing things could happen if I align these different sides of myself? How might my creative pursuits blossom when I approach them with patience, consistency, and a sprinkle of self-compassion?
I invite you, my friend, to take a moment and reflect on your world. What parts of yourself influence your decisions? How could you build trust with these different aspects to create a more fulfilling life?
Remember, the journey of self-discovery and growth is an ongoing adventure! Each tiny step forward is a win. Let’s embrace the complexity of our inner selves and move ahead with kindness, curiosity, and courage. After all, we often discover our most genuine and rewarding paths in the beautiful dance between stability and novelty, caution and commitment.
Reflective Questions to Consider
How do you relate to my experience with different internal parts influencing decision-making?
Can you identify similar parts within yourself that might be holding you back from pursuing your goals?
How has the cycle of enthusiasm followed by abandonment played out in your own life or projects?
What strategies have you used to balance stability and novelty in your pursuits?
How do you typically handle the fear of commitment when starting new projects or ventures?
Can you recall when you gave up on a project due to a lack of immediate success? How do you feel about that decision now?
What small, manageable commitments could you make to build trust with your cautious parts?
How might having an accountability partner, coach, or mentor change your approach to pursuing goals?
In what ways could regular check-ins with yourself or others help you maintain momentum on projects?
How do you typically respond when faced with obstacles or setbacks in your pursuits?
What would it take for you to feel more confident in following through on your ideas and projects?
How might you balance the needs of your stability-seeking, novelty-seeking, and commitment-afraid parts?
What past experiences have shaped your approach to starting and maintaining projects?
How could you incorporate more self-compassion into exploring new ideas and ventures?
What would success look like for you, balancing enthusiasm, commitment, and follow-through?
The internal family members of your psyche are quite familiar to me. Mine have me dancing in chaotic circles so often, and they undermine my sense of agency, often stealing a sense of clear direction. Stops and starts, promising visions followed by disappointment.
It's too easy to identify excessively with this dynamic, as powerful and long-standing as it's been. I can carve out areas of "achievement", but it's usually in the work realm, where I'm committed to proving my value (and enjoying the thrill of creative activity with colleagues.) What might I learn from those experiences that translate into the personal goals I set for myself. (The "accountability partner"/coach suggestion you make is solid, David.)
I'm beginning to do more work "sharpening the saw" of my soul, tending these internal dynamics in a way that I pray is more than just sanctified distractions. Freeing up time for concentrated work is needed, it seems to me, and I hope the holiday break affords such an opportunity, and that I seize it with curiosity and enthusiasm. It helps to see others, like you, doing this work intentionally and reporting on the journey, identifying the gains in elevation. Thank you for the open-hearted encouragement.